The Noble House of Trulla

I called these people my family
Them not knowing what that meant to me
Them not knowing me at all
Still I chose them for my own reasons
Within a month I knew them all, good and bad
Every lie they'd tell. Secrets they'd hold dear.
I knew Daddy was a cheater and Mom got with him for his money
Brother and Sister lusted for each other behind closed doors
Uncle B can't keep a marriage together, losing two in the last two years
and my little brotheer's lost his faith in love since his wife went and offed herself
He's traded his heart for harlots.
Now I sit here in our home
Drawing the drapes to let in the light every morn
Proudly lining the walls, side by side, are old photos of smiles and disownment certificates
Three seats were filled at last Sunday dinner
I've memorized the voicemails of many
The floor is riddled with broken bottles and broken friendships
That was the fate of the Noble House of Trulla
My friends.
My family.

I love you guys.

He Tried.

In the darkest night a man weeps
Secretly soft as a mouse but loudly I hear
He laments for your soul so black
Tainted by animosity towards your peers
You scream "Leave me be!" and are followed by the greatest "Fuck you!" he can muster
"I tried"
You've done nothing to deserve his love
Untouched he was. His spark undimmed
But tonight he sits by the roadside
Hoping you're safe, knowing you're not okay
He loves you and wishes you best
but all you seem to manage is hurt
You hurt yourself. You hurt him.
He tried.

Summer Calendar

There's Us

Freewrite 6-18-09

You know it took me 5 months, 2 weeks and 4 days
to get through one whole day, 24 straight hours, and not think about you.
Visions of your walk and smile
The incredibly sexy way you moved and breathed
5 months, 2 weeks and 4 days

I was so disarmed
You might have been the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
and all I could feel was disarmed
Like it was impossible to be smooth with you
Charm you like every other nigga would try
No, I had to be real, myself.
And in that I gave you a power I never intended to let go

3 years, 10 months, and some change I've known you
And somehow your antics are still fresh to me
And you always knew what lines not to cross with me
Like I was different for you
But if you drunk dialed me at 3 A.M. again
I wouldn't mind being woken up.

1 year, 7 months, 12 days it's been since you left
and a friend decides to make me bring you up in conversation
And as he recounts some memories, I can't help but think of you
Where you might be? Doing what?
He says you're probably sleeping at 3 A.M.
but I know better.
No. You're out there somewhere
having fun
not thinking about me.
Damn, I hate this.

It took me 5 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days to get you out of my head.
Only 12 seconds to bring you back.

---

Not everything is supposed to come true
Some words are best unsaid
Some love is not really love at all
I'll keep everything I shared with you
And that's enough
There's us

Freewrite 6-12-09

I needed to write. Was having a moment.

It would be easy to be anyone else
But no, God saw fit that I should be me
The one that “doesn't do anything”
the damn near straight-edge one
The one who doesn't fuck around
God saw fit that I play the role of everyone's moral compass

And sometimes I just can't stand it
A serious burden. You get to fuck up your life and maybe a few others
But I get the remorse. I get to feel responsible.
And luckily the way I was raised, the way I am keeps me from hating you.
I try not to judge.

However it tries me when you disclose that you can drink thirteen times my excess
or that at least ten vaginas have trace evidence of your presence... this week.
And I look in your eyes
And you're so proud of yourself
And it's all I can do to hold back disgust
Because I don't judge

No instead I counsel you
Comfort you when you get hurt
When everything backfires I play big brother
I know it's all in one ear
and right out the other.
My wisdom is lost on you
Because this is all you know
Living a life reminiscent of the $5 hood books on the street has become your main talent
I would commend you on the performance
But I'm still holding back that disgust

So instead I don't break character as friend.
I leave my door open and phone on for you always.
Pray for your clarity and hold on to my sanity best I can
After all we can't both go crazy
We'd be such a mess.
A fun mess, but still a mess.
No. I'll be your “straight-arrow”
The one who won't fuck around
The damn near straight-edge one
The one that doesn't do anything.
God and I saw fit I be that.

brooklyn rooftop, part II

brooklyn rooftop, part II

Dying stars shine bright again
growing in their final nova
Points, over time, come back
and intersect at an arbitrary axis

Summer loves reunited in
a drunken lustful stupor,
each taking what they please from one another
They don't blame

the rooftop
time capsule cracked
to find argument
drunk dialing
and [temporary] separation

a Bronx apartment
forever remembered
eternally haunted
the broken sink will never forget

Untitled

It's been a while. Wrote something while out today.

Do you remember the way I held your hand?
Long ago when things were easier
When we didn't have to think
When things were natural
You were my best friend and I loved you
It was more beautiful because I could see what was wrong with you.
You had cracks and scuffs
I stayed anyway

Then things went sour
Every step feels overly meticulous
Planned with utmost care as to not shatter something like a bull in a glass house
Our effort could be used elsewhere
Maybe we should stop
Maybe we should throw stones
I want to.
Do you?

I remember when all I could think of was trying to go back
If I just held your hand it would feel the same
Your cracks could heal
Your scratches, I could buff them
But I changed you.
I changed you and your scratches became more pronounced.
You cracks, deeper.
I changed you and I'm sorry
I'm sorry I can't fix you
I'm sorry you don't want me to
I'm sorry it hurts
And I'm sorry I changed you into something I can't look at.

Making a Change

Making a Change (Stronger) [Pre-edit]

No more wasting time

No more self doubt

This is my time to shine, to get mine

There'll be no turning around

No excuses

Complacency is dropped from my vocabulary

Because today is a brand new day

And the past is gone

No more shadows rolling over my head

Because I'm making a change

Things will be going my way

And I'm not afraid to seize the day

I'm stronger than I was yesterday

and I'm ready to make a change

So afraid of what people would think

Scared out of being myself

Second guessing every step I would take

But thats over now

I've found my light

Faith and trust will get me by

Because today is a brand new day

And the past is gone

No more shadows rolling over my head

Because I'm making a change

Things will be going my way

And I'm not afraid to seize the day

I'm stronger than I was yesterday

and I'm ready to make a change